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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22966381">In the Silence I Hear Only You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idol_pastimes/pseuds/Idol_pastimes'>Idol_pastimes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Sound of Silence [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EastEnders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 13:33:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,826</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22966381</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idol_pastimes/pseuds/Idol_pastimes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes your day is just as bad as the day before.  Off-key and off-centre, hard on the ear and the heart.  Callum's determined, though, that tomorrow will have a different tune.</p>
<p>A tiny continuation of the episode from the 28th Feb 2020.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Sound of Silence [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1650502</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>In the Silence I Hear Only You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So, turns out Callum wanted to give his POV on the same scene.  He's too much of a sweetheart to deny; what can I do? :D</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The metallic clanging of pans being smashed together over and over again was still ringing in his head, but nothing could drown out the memory of the agonised wailing Ben had let loose as Callum had reached for him.  He had felt useless again; bumbling, clumsy and completely inadequate as he’d grabbed at arms, shoulders, even his boyfriend’s head in an attempt to calm him down, stop him from hurting himself anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Each jerk and twist had spun webs of pain over and down his front and his ribs still burned from the unwanted exertion.  Callum felt his face burn with matching embarrassment as he remembered his own voice calling out, repeating <em>it’s gonna be alright, it’s gonna be alright</em>, knowing full well that it was a lie, that he was lying, that Ben had every right to feel as though he’d had an entire part of himself stolen away.  <em>It wasn’t like he could hear you, anyway, Halfway</em>, he thought, and clenched his eyes shut immediately in disgust that he could even think that, that Ben’s deafness could be exploited and used to hide his own weaknesses and inability to just <em>fix this</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He pressed his face into the top of Ben’s head to hide his reddened cheeks, even though there was no one else there to see them. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>They’d been on the floor for thirty five minutes now.  Callum wasn’t counting; he wasn’t that callous.  But the clock on the front of the oven was a bright, electric blue and from their position on the floor, it was right in his eyeline.  With no sound beyond Ben’s stuttering breaths and his own blood rushing through his ears to distract him, he’d found his gaze drifting back to the numbers time and again, counting off the seconds in some minutes just to try and distract himself from the panic of having Ben completely collapse onto the cold kitchen tiles.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A sudden snort of air burst out of Ben, and as the first sign of any awareness, Callum took it as a positive that his boyfriend was coming back to him, was more aware of his surroundings.  Clearly not ready to move just yet, but getting there, maybe.  He was in no hurry, and stroked his fingers through Ben’s hair, happy to give him the time he needed.  Even if his backside was freezing. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’d formed a kind of arm-and-leg fort to surround Ben with; his first instinct, as ever, to protect and shield from any kind of harm, even if what Ben was fighting against was largely his own senses.  The grounding normality of being able to touch him again, to feel the soft hair over his ear and breathe him in after so many hours, so many days apart was enough to make him loathe to ever move again, cold floor or not.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Callum had no clue what the last days had been like for Ben.  He knew snippets, mostly from Stuart’s point of view of how much Ben had been beside himself, how long he’d searched and how he’d screamed at them in that warehouse, how desperate he’d been.  <em>How much he’d panicked when you were lying there, all still and lifeless</em>, Stuart had said, begrudgingly, while stealing a grape.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It wasn’t until he’d read through his texts, though, that he’d started to see, started to really, truly see how awful the days must have been, how long and lonely.  How the not-knowing, compounded with the loss of his hearing had stripped away any of the bravado and surety that Ben exuded to protect himself from any real bonds, any real emotions.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>I’m sorry.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>I’m looking for you.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>I’ll find you.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>I really need you.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>As he let his head drop back to rest against the kitchen cupboard door, Callum felt the tears that had started to well up sink away again.  He knew that he was too sincere for his own good, had told Ben as much himself.  But for the first time, Ben had shown his own vulnerability, his own needs and wants even if it was just in a pointless, four word text message sent to no one.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’d needed him.  Ben had needed him and he hadn’t been there.  Callum shook his head and clenched his teeth to keep in the growl of fury that rose inside him at the burn of realisation.  In that instant, he agreed whole-heartedly with Stuart; if Keanu Taylor had shown his face, he’d have made sure he’d never be pretty enough again to mess up anyone’s family like he’d tried to his.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>On another day he’d probably wonder what that said about him, and if he had changed just for knowing Ben like Keanu had said.  But not today.  Not right now with his boyfriend curled in the shadow of his arms, breathing deep just to keep the panic of the oppressive silence at bay.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then, Ben’s stomach rumbled.  <em>Finally, something I can </em>do<em>, something I can sort out</em>- </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘You want something to eat, babe?  I could make us a sandwich or something, it’s been a while since I last ate…’  He cut himself off with a clack of teeth.  <em>Do you think he was eating particularly well, you halfwit?  He’s been worried out of his mind for days, looking for you.  He’s bound to be hungry-</em></p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>‘No.  I ain’t hungry.’</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He knew Ben was just guessing, but the direct response shut Callum up for a good second before his mothering instincts kicked in once more.  He shifted to the side, making a move to look down into Ben’s face to tell him that he needed to eat something, that he should be keeping his strength up after a week like he’d had-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘Don’t go!’</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The sudden elbow in his side and movement in front of him took his breath away and had him slamming his eyes closed in pain.  The sharp but near all-encompassing blaze of agony had him letting out a high-pitched whimper that he was glad only he could hear, and he pressed a palm to his side, trying desperately to hold his ribs as still as he could.  Ben had initially been trying to push closer to him, but the motion to pull himself further away from Callum’s grasp had at least given him some room to breathe.   The problem was, that involved moving his torso, and Callum wasn’t sure he ever wanted to do that again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘Oh my God, Cal, I’m sorry, I’m sorry; I’ve hurt you again, Christ I’m so sorry- are you in pain?  I’ll grab you some aspirin or somethin’, just…’</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The longed-for tones of Ben’s slightly too-loud voice were more of a soothing balm than any aspirin would have been, and even though he was still panting from the shock of having his injuries re-ignited, he couldn’t help but reach out to touch once more.  He shifted slightly, wincing at the stiffness of his back and intercostal muscles, and tapped Ben under the chin, a gesture that immediately pulled back memories from that day in the Vic, with Pam and Mick looking on.  The day Ben used the b-word for the first time, smiling like a shy little boy and Callum had fallen just a little bit deeper.  Even in memory, he couldn’t help but smile back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ben’s eyes locked on his, and when Callum spoke, he made sure to do so clearly and slowly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘Can we go sit on a proper seat, now?’   He watched Ben turn the shape of each word over in his head, registering them slowly as he figured out the meaning.  <em>It doesn’t matter how long it takes,</em> Callum mused with wonder, <em>if it means I can have his undivided attention, if it means he spends more time looking at my face and me looking at his, I’ll never complain about this.  It’s awful, it’s life-changing, it’s devastating, I know, but…</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>He stroked the side of Ben’s face, trying to capture that look of openness beneath his fingertips and assigning it to his memory for later.  <em>He doesn’t show anybody that side of him.  That’s all for me.  All for </em>us.  Callum grinned as Ben turned his face into his palm.  <em>Softy.</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘Come on.  Up.  We’re going for a lie down.’</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>His</em> Ben, the wide-boy, wheeler-dealer, flirty know-it-all suddenly shone through and all trace of the vulnerable flickered away, if only for a moment.  ‘You propositioning me twice in one day, Mr Highway?’</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Reaching out, Callum grasped Ben’s hand tightly and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet, sure in the knowledge that Ben would never let him fall.  <em>More than that, </em>Callum mused,<em> he’d find me anywhere; in the dark, without help, even without any sight or sound to guide him.</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘I’ll do it every day, Ben.  Take you to bed every day for the rest of our lives if you want.’</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And there he was, back again.  The Ben only he saw, the Ben he’d seen from the start, even when he didn’t know what he was seeing.  Open and loving, gentle and so lacking in any kind of validation that he oozed self-doubt.  The wonder on Ben’s face was more painful than his bruised ribs could ever be, and when he reached his arms around Callum’s chest and lay his head over his heart, he couldn’t stop the wobbly smile that broke across his face once more.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>To have this, when he’d been afraid for so long that he would never find it, was a wonder to him, too.  Callum folded his arms around Ben’s shoulders, and placed a soft palm over his exposed ear, as if protecting it now would do him any good.  <em>I will be here the next time you need me, babe.  I’ll keep you safe from now on, I promise.  </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>His heart felt full and he wondered if Ben could hear it, or at least feel it, too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The whispered ‘thank you’ caused his eyes to fill once more, and this time he didn’t tip his head back to stop them from pooling.  If Ben could be honest and open, the very least he could do was show him the same vulnerability.  <em>After all, he said he liked that about me, didn’t ‘e?  All that time ago, on a day that I should have been marrying the wrong person</em>.  <em>And he was still brave enough to come and see me, even then, looking out for me.  </em>Callum closed his eyes and rested his lips against the crown of Ben’s head, kissing his soft hair.   </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The silence in the kitchen was loud, and Callum felt a flutter of panicked understanding.  <em>If this is what it’s like for him all of the time… </em>he pursed his lips and plucked from his past the first tune that flitted through his mind. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Swaying gently, he hummed off-key as Ben relaxed into his arms.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If just for the next few minutes, the silence could wait.</p>
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